Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize