i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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