he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
