I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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