im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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