I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
