i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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