alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
