i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
