I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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