there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
don't judge my taste in strippers
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
