Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
