So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
