I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
