I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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