Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
