I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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