I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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