WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think your dad took our porno
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
