she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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