apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I touched a dick in church today
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
