so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize