grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
