found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
