ya dads aren't the best wingmen
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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