i wish my penis had a tongue
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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