just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
