Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Randomize
