Define "chronic" masturbator.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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