i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
