Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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