I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
