I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My nipple is on Facebook.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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