highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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