I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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