Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
