I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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