U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
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