Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
True strength comes from lack of pants
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
