I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
