My liver just broke up with me...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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