just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
