ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
