We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Who died my cat blue again?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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