On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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