I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
