Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
