So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
