Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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