I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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