U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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