Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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