My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
