Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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