I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
