there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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