Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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