Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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