You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
