I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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