ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
