I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
She announced her abortion via fbk
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
