her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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