The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
