how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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