Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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